MTV VMAS 2015 (AKA The Danny Glover Memorial Awards for Me)

When I was a kid, the VMAs were the gangsta shit. My family didn't have cable until 1994, so I had to stay up super late and watch the VMAs when they were rebroadcast on KITN 29 after MTV got done. We'd watch that shit as a family, and make Pizza Rolls and popcorn and errythang! So many awesome things, like Spike Jones bum rushing the stage as Nathaniel Hornblower, pretty much anything involving Nirvana, Pearl Jam, or Guns N Roses, and Chris Rock shitting all over everyone.

And now we get Miley Cyrus with balloons on her jubbs...

I turned on the VMAs 20 minutes late, but honestly, does it matter? I get the feeling that I am like Danny Glover when it comes to these things, I am too old for this shit. So I made a running list of the things I saw on the show that confused and or bothered the crap out of someone born when AM radio was still a viable medium:

-Miley Cyrus and Nikki Minaj get into some sort of maybe scripted beef about something Miley may have said. Nikki also may have been on Molly, whatever that is

-Rebel Wilson with a shirt that says "FUCK THE STRIPPER POLICE" doing a really unfunny monologue. MTV didn't seem to realize that this shirt was going to be worn, and couldn't blur it out. Even though they did it with all of Snoop's and Dre's weed leaf stuff in the (or tha) Nuttin But a G Thang video 22 years ago.

-A commercial for not smoking cigarettes with the hashtag It's a Trap, which MAY be an Admiral Ackbar reference but I am not 100% sure it isn't something a Kardashian said. There was also a unicorn who puked on a chick smoking a hookah. If this is advertising now, I am glad as hell I didn't go into my chosen field after college.

-Miley Cyrus in some sort of skit with her Achy Breaky Dad and two rappers I didn't know making drug references. Miley also said "fuck" and "Shit" a bunch. God, so EDGY!

Apropos of nothing, here is a nice image of Miley about to be entered from behind by Robin "Beetlejuice" Thicke from the 2013 VMAS!



-Biebs started crying for some reason after he preformed a dubstep joint. My wife had heard the song on the radio multiple times and thought that the dude singing on it was not white. I think we may be entering a new era of Biebs being a modern Michael McDonald.

-Big Sean getting an award for some sort of changing society video, yet we don't see the video. NOTE - Big Sean may be the most normally dressed person on the show besides Kanye.

-Yet ANOTHER fucking Miley Cyrus drug reference...seriously, we get it. You like drugs, you like to do them with Snoop. Isn't weed fucking legal everywhere now so people like Miley don't have to use it as a signifier of cool? Man, I can't wait until weed becomes like booze and isn't edgy. But then, what will be? Maybe gas huffing or whippets or some drug that I don't even know about? God, I hope it's not meth...

-Kylie Jenner is NOT the transexual one! Why couldn't they get the transexual Jenner, she is ON FLEEK (or so I've heard).

-Some girl dressed in leopard print with a guitar showed up on stage to sing a song that sounds like it could have came out in like 1999. This is LITERALLY the first instrument on the show so far. Upon further review, this lady is named Tori Kelly and is 10 years younger than I. At this point, she might as well be Joan Jett or the fucking Bangles because I am shocked I'm seeing a woman with a guitar on MTV.

-There was a commercial for something called White Squad which may or may not have been real. I think it was ripping on white entitlement, but once again, I am glad as hell I went into Project Management and not copywriting in 2007. Everything seems like it's an Ad Council spot written by someone who took way too many women's studies classes.

-Tay Tay Swizzle said the first album she ever bought was The College Dropout when she was 12, and it was on iTunes. I bought that same album when I was 20 years old, in college, used, at a Disc Go Round location that no longer exists.

-Man, what the fuck was Kanye talking about? "I will die for the art"? I love Kanye the Music but hate Kanye the Megalomaniac Jesus Complex Having Crazy Person. The Kanye speech sounds straight up like your drunken uncle rambling on about how he doesn't understand why hair metal isn't cool anymore and why he's single at the age of 45. And to cap it all off, Kanye is going to run for president in 2020. I hope his running mate is Jamie Foxx or Killa Cam and then they can sing Gone or Gold Digger on a whistle stop tour.

-Something named Fetty Wap is beating Vance Joy very badly in an fan vote contest. Fetty Wap has one of the worst songs I've heard this year in Trap Queen, all sorts of auto tune and off key shit and mumbled rhymes. Vance Joy has Riptide which is inoffensive and contains a great line about his girl being hot as Michelle Phiffer. I have a feeling that if music is going the Wap route and not the Joy route I am going to be playing a lot of thrift store LPs, and may even branch out into swing and ragtime music. Because that has to be better than Fetty Fucking Wap.

-Weed reference from Miley again. This has to play well with the Hannah Montana crowd or something, right?

-Skateboard P has become like the Neil Diamond elder statesman of this shit, singing about Freedom and being happy and being pretty damn smooth. Actually, I would love to see a Neil/Pharrell duet now that I think of it.

-I find it ironic as hell that the Artists to Watch category doesn't give us anything to watch. It's not like we are watching a fucking VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS show or something. Oh shit, Fetty Wap won. Time to go buy some Glen Miller joints.

-Miguel is here but not preforming, which is the opposite of winning the sexy ass lottery. Twenty One Pilots and A$AP Rocky are instead. I bought the A$AP Rocky album because it was hailed as some sort of masterpiece and it really sucked besides like three songs, one of which was about Fucking Problems and another was an aggy dub step joint about wiling out. As for the other group, I think Twenty One Pilots are a white Christian rap group or something. Anyways, the performance was horrid, bringing Rap-Rock's batting average down to .003 since hitting a home run with Epic in 1990.

-Tay Tay Swizzle wins the video of the year award with Kendrick Lamar, which was presented by O'Shea's Sr and Jr. COMPTON REPRESENT! I wonder how many in the audience felt that Death Certificate was Cube's best album? It really seemed like more of a Kill At Will or Lethal Injection crowd, truth be told.

-Miley is closing out the show dressed as a cross between Wendy O Williams from the Plasmatics and a Level Boss from Banjo Kazooie. She has cursed a bunch from the sounds of it, as every other word it totes censored. There are also drag queens in thongs and costumes that look like Bob Holly's ring gear when he was Sparky Plugg. Fuck this shit, I'm going to bed.

There you have it. The only highlights for the entire event were The Weeknd and maybe the Tori Kelly chick. Otherwise, I may just watch a rebroadcast of the first VMAs or something next year because I get that. I just wasn't made for these times I guess.